Timing the pain
by Anime addicted
Summary: When Michael returns after a long absence can Maria bring herself to restart something...again.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer-of course I own nothing, if I did things would have happened differently.

A/N: A slight AU, still aliens, a few things from the series did happen. I don't refer to much in the series timeline-at least I haven't yet. I know my summary is so generic but I haven't finished the story so I sort of don't know what to write. Plus I don't want to reveal anything. I know I'm writing another story but when I hit bumps with that story I vent into more writing...this is a result from getting stuck occasionally. It's dark compared to what I normally write but it's not as dark as dark things I read so just be warned. You could get a bit jilted with the dialogue since I have so much text between what one person says and the next but I can't really help that.

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><p><strong>Chapter 1- getting picked up<strong>

Flipping her earnings through her fingertips, she giggled to herself gleefully, she wasn't usually so gaga over money but never before had she been paid straight up in full cash value. ~Well done, very well done~ she thought to herself. She, Maria Deluca, smiled to herself, was her luck beginning to change? She stood and glanced at herself in the mirror, her black sequence leotard had managed to stay on, it was strapless. She always refused to wear one up until now-it just didn't seem like it was possible for it to stay on. But, thanks to body tape, and her own sweat from her performance it actually managed to become somewhat glued to her skin. Taking it off was going to be the more interesting part.

Her performance.

She laughed to herself as she began to change, she knew she always talked about performing but she thought it would never happen. She even went and got a degree at one of those 2.5 year institutions in communications-but she wasn't even using it. Her big break had come as a total surprise to her. She was traveling back home from graduation, not of high school of course, on a plane and happened to sit next to a music video producer, she had no idea. He had been given a song and had been creatively blocked, of course she had far too many ideas to offer after hearing the music since it was her type of music. Something with a plethora of instruments including a harmonica which was absolutely rare in mainstream music, a jazzy type voice with a beat that was on the border of pop and blues. She couldn't resist or stop her ideas even if she wanted. The guy had said he was doing it for fun-of course he lied, but he probably didn't want to get treated differently simply because he made music videos.

At the time nothing happened, it wasn't until weeks later the world premier video came out-she didn't watch, she stopped watching music videos on TV a long time ago, but he'd given her credit. The video was a hit and by association she was one as well. Of course now she did watch music videos in the wee hours of the morning if she was up. Her slight fame only lasted the blink of an eye publicly but she was still reaping the benefits with royalties and it wasn't long before her singing was brought up, of course nobody was looking for her type of music but by the time the bad news hit she had a big enough fan base to live off of. She let herself be hired for all sorts of events. Regularly she performed in a club outside of Roswell although she had a bit of an advantage, it was owned by Sean. The club was barely legal but so long as Sean could keep his audience under control things wouldn't turn bad. Although fights did break out they were usually for fun-why guys can fight for fun she would never really understand. She was doing well by anyone's standards.

She even still saw all her old friends regularly, but she chose her times well. Looking up at an old group photo she had to smile to herself. This was during prom, during the after party to be exact, all of them lined in a row with their respective partners.

Max and Liz were in the middle, they were now married with kids, Liz worked in medical research and Max was in astrophysics, duh right? Isabel and Alex were on one side, now they were married as well, Isabel spoke multiple languages and was a translator for hire. Lucky for her she had all the hard languages down and was usually in high demand. Whether it was translating on a live broadcast, for the courts, or written documents one job of hers would pay seven grand at least. It was truly unfair since her alien ability made it easy but power to the woman. Alex of course worked with computers and new age software-together the could totally retire at 50 and still live comfortably till they were 100. Kyle and Tess, on the other side, were not married but had been engaged for two years, what they were waiting for no one _really _knew, though everyone thought they did. Kyle worked with sports therapy and aided Amy Valenti-yes it happened- with her herbal business. Kyle was a hippie jock. Tess was a professor in the maths and sciences. Oddly Tess and Maria became close, maybe it was because Kyle was her step brother and it meant they spent more time together than the others or because when Maria was with them she never felt like the third wheel. Although she did feel like she kept them from being intimate just by being there but at least they didn't attack each other in front of her like everyone else. They were family.

Then off to the side was her and Michael...she didn't know if she forced herself to see it but over the years she began to think they made an out of place couple, other than a few biased opinions of her own, the picture was her only proof. Maybe it was the picture alone that made the though pop into her head and her opinions were her way of making the thought more substantial, since Max and Liz were obviously in the middle a couple on each side was perfect symmetry but then there was her and Michael off to the side knocking the symmetrical balance off. Obviously things didn't go as smoothly as it did with the others, it almost never did though.

Maria never could bring herself to leave Roswell for too long, she always came back and really she only ever spent a few days here and there-nothing major except for when she got her degree. The institute was close enough for her to drive daily but not if she wanted sleep so sometimes she'd spend a week but that's it. The reason was, Michael of course. The 'what if' between them over the years always was too alluring to ignore. Michael...who knows his deal. When the others had decided to go against destiny, they also decided they didn't care about their other home, their other lives, and their other families. Even Michael had agreed, that joy was short lived. He couldn't resist his own curiosity. He wanted to know which was better, he wanted the adventure, and he totally embraced his alien side, unlike the others.

Well Tess always embraced her alien side; it was her human side she had to learn to embrace. But Michael never embraced his human side fully, he felt like his alien side saved him from hardships, especially with Hank, and who could argue with that? He was always looking for answers and would be gone for months at a time and when he did come back no one ever knew when he was leaving until he was gone. The guy didn't have any manners. He found plenty of answers but apparently he didn't like any of them. Approximately 4 years ago when he was last seen he did manage to say goodbye to Maria, she happily drove him to the train station excited just to be able to send him off properly. She had imagined he was going to war or something and sent him off with pictures to remember them all, her contact information, some money, and a packed lunch. She felt like he knew he was never coming back because he did say goodbye and it hurt even now to think she didn't see it them.

When he was around though, they fought as if no time ever passed and loved very much the same way. If he ever returned now, she didn't think it was possible to fall back into such a routine, soo many things were different. She was 29, lonely, tired of waiting, tired of the games, tired of being tired.

"You look tired?" it was Sean, her cousin and boss who never really cleaned up his act entirely. He was better now, more mature, more mellow but he was a rebel. ~It must be blood~ she often thought. He was much smarted at breaking the law these days; forged certificates that were entirely plausible, he had enough people that owed him that he literally always had an alibi if he ever needed plus the respect of every shady person for probably hundreds of miles. He must have seen her perform, it was his place but he didn't always get to see her performances live, he taped them though and sometimes he'd watch her perform when she wasn't performing at his club.

Maria smiled," I am tired, but happily so-do you see how much they paid me?" she boasted showing him the stack of money she was counting. It was probably nothing to him, he was pretty rich but Maria kept herself on a tight budget, she was saving for when she actually had a family since everyone seemed to struggle at that part of life.

Liz freaked when she found out she was pregnant, their house was too small and she was interning. She was unsure if she'd finish on time or be able to get back in if she had to fall out of the program. With her school loans, and school in general along with Max's she swore they were never going to afford a baby let alone twins. Isabel had a fit about her wedding; it was over the top and more. Took place overseas in a rented castle, a real one, fully furnished and everything. She didn't hold back for anything, even the dining table sheets were hundreds of dollars and the twins had managed to dirty it immediately but lucky the aliens removed stains. A mini orchestra, expensive and exotic cuisine, catering, a world famous photographer and a dance that everyone had to learn. It almost wasn't fun.

Seeing Michael take dance lessons had been priceless, and picking on Isabel was almost as good. She was so stiff because she'd invited dukes and senators she'd worked with before and simply had to make a good impression. Poor Alex, the guy just put forth money. Of course even if they were broke having five friends who were doing damn well for themselves, wealthy parents and in-laws made a great difference. Maria would never want that though, Kyle was the one who put her through school and she wasn't even using her degree-she felt so badly sometimes.

Sean took the money from her and arranged it, small bills on the outside large on the inside. It was his only quirk, he hated when money was out of order. Maria watched him playfully as he spoke to her, she didn't understand how he could multitask with money so well but he did it. "You earned it, what did you do-like 12 songs, a few dance numbers and how many costume changes?" he wiped his brow pretending to be tired himself. He folded the money up and handed it back to her.

"Yes but it was my own costumes, they gave me the freedom to do what I wanted. I feel as if I performed for someone important rather than someone turning 16." she put the money in her bag.

"Don't complain," he smiled at her," I really need to get you a money clip or something."

She knew he hated how she handled her money physically, always crumpled up in a pocket or even her bra, and in turn she was almost always dropping some of it. Her wallet was only for her ID's, licenses, and pictures so she didn't even bother trying to stuff money in it.

"A money clip?" she laughed," I'd make me feel like a pimp, or like I'm supposed to go to a strip club."

"You watch too many movies," he shook his head. "I'll bedazzle it for you then, need a ride?"

Maria shook her head," Nope I'm getting picked up."

Sean frowned, the mood was suddenly different, he opened his mouth to say something but decided against it. "I'm here for you." he said after a long pause. Maria looked at him unsure of how to respond, apparently neither did he because je smiled and walked away.

Maria sighed; he was getting suspicious and worried. She knew it would come but it was never easy. Her relationship with her cousin just became solid in the last two and a half years. He didn't speak up as the others would for fear he'd lose her altogether. He wouldn't lose her, but she would sure threaten otherwise, plus she was a main attraction at his club. Pissing her off wasn't a great idea. Looking in the mirror again she nodded in approval, she was wearing a form fitting black t-shirt and loose grey sweats with black flats. Her long blonde hair was pulled into a low ponytail, a braid hanging down her back. There was a cut on her face, it was probably what made Sean suspicious this time. During her performances she wore props on her body to strategically hide the mark whenever makeup would not cover something and Sean had only recently caught on. She remembered the night all too well it was about a year and a half ago.

/Flashback/

_She was rushing, as fast as she could. she could hear Sean outside snapping at the security outside her door._

_"Maria!" he yelled," You've been running behind on every performance tonight which puts everybody else behind as well-dude I'm your boss let me in!" he snapped._

_When Sean was mad he was really mad, he wasn't violent but he talked a lot. Looking in the mirror she scrambled through her makeup drawer to find a makeup that matched her outfit or better yet a prop since all she had to do was stick it on but no luck. She cursed, if she could just get a grip and calm down long enough she could make it through the rest of the day smoothly._

_"I said I'm your boss!" he snapped._

_She thanked god for her guard that night, it was a butch woman and she didn't care who was who, she didn't let a man into a woman's dressing room without permission._

_"I don't care that you're a woman..." he began and Maria felt her body turn cold, he was pissed to the point that he wasn't thinking straight. If he threatened it then he would do it, if he hit her then all hell would break loose. She wasn't the usual security and didn't understand how things were done, she'd surely press charges._

_"Damnit!" Maria slammed her hands on her vanity and stood. She knew Sean wouldn't joke about a thing like that. "Come in!"_

_Not a second later Sean busted in, his grey suit not nearly as fresh as when the night started. His jacket was missing; his shirt was wet from his sweat-he sweated profusely when he was nervous._

_"Maria what the hell!" he stomped up to her and then his face fell for a moment upon staring at her reflection in the mirror. She has stopped trying to put on her makeup, he would surely see now. Her face, was swollen at her eye, it was beginning to bruise meaning it was a fresh wound. His face filled with anger again. "Did he HIT you!"_

_She knew Sean didn't even know who he meant by he, but he knew it was a guy and the list of suspects wasn't terribly long. "Like he would," she lied and she had a feeling Sean knew it. "I've been taking extra time to cover it but with this costume the colors are to light to hide it. I cannot find my body props anywhere!"_

_Sean glared at her for a long moment then his phone went off. It was his workphone and it could only mean it was another complaint from someone who went on after her. He jumped and began to wave his hands._

_"Not that outfit then, the props to it are broken, wear the other pink outfit, the darker pink one so the makeup will blend." he hurried to say._

_"At the cleaners, the signature of the song is a pink outfit, we only had two!" she was yelling at him, it wasn't really at him but the high stress situation made them both yell even the simplest of comments._

_He groaned," I can't change the song, it's already been posted!"_

_Suddenly a woman walked in," Sean?" she called out. Sean turned to see his then girlfriend Sandy. "They said I'd find you here," she said relieved when she spotted him. Noticing the situation she frowned," S-sorry."_

_Turning to leave Sean stopped her," Wait!" Sandy turned back around avoiding Maria's eyes. Maria was ashamed but she was glaring in anger at the woman's intrusion. "Take off your outfit."_

_Sandy looked up surprised and Maria finally followed Sean's train of thought. Sandy wore hot pink motorcycle gear, she was a part of a motorcycle gang, not a bad gang they just called themselves a gang- a group of ladies who liked riding._

_Sandy shrugged seeing Sean's obvious discomfort at his situation and the clothes came off. As she was undressing Maria was re-doing her makeup to compliment the outfit. Sandy was smaller than Maria but it worked out for the better since Maria was practically busting out the seams. It would certainly be a crowd pleasing piece. As she stepped into the motorcycle gear Sean noticed other marks on Maria's body, none too bad but there were far too many-hell one was too many._

_"M," he called her the only nickname he ever called her, it was a term of affection. His tone was warning and pleading at the same time, he wanted answers._

_Maria felt guilty, she would never be able to tell him what he needed to hear, and he would worry way more than he ever actually had to worry. "I'm out!" she hurried out the room giving a thank you nod to Sandy._

_Lucky for her the crowd loved her edgier look, and with a bit of a public apology to the people after her Sean was off the hook. Returning to her dressing room at the end of her work day she saw Sean waiting._

_"Who is he?" was all he asked._

_Maria stared at him, he held back her glare knowing he was simply worried and she was being unreasonable and selfish even. "Sean..." she began and she had expected him to interrupt her like any of her other friends would have but Sean was her new friend. He may have known her all her life but he only started to care recently and he didn't know how to handle her personality, he was so used to fighting with her he didn't know how to do much else. He waited for her to continue. "I am not in that sort of relationship. I know it looks bad but trust me you don't have to worry about me."_

_He raised a brow, he didn't believe her but he didn't know what to do about it either. "I may not have the right now, but if it interferes with my business again I have every legal right to intervene."_

_His words were cold, he didn't mean it though. She knew he didn't, he just had to say something that made sense. Because she knew all to well that seeing her covered in bruises didn't make sense to even her sometimes._

_/End/_

She waited for a while in the cool night air, she watched as guests of the hotel came and went many of them recognizing her and making small chit chat here and there. Past the parking lot it was impossible to see a path of road, it was dark with street lights only on the main interstate hundreds of feet away. Finally a car, the car she'd been waiting for pulled up and she smiled. He was early.

"Hi Brody, how was your day?" she asked stepping into the car placing her things in the back seat and buckling up-he wouldn't even move until her seat belt was buckled but she understood.

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><p>Yeah it starts out as a bit of Pepperjacker (is this still a relevant term?) but it will be Candy eventually. A short first chapter I know. I can't even tell you if this is going to end up happy or not but knowing me it is. I don't touch too much on other characters, it's distracting and with my other story going on where I am trying to include everybody I thought I deserve a break.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: My first reviewer was Marsis-thanks you! Yeah the feeling old bit had little to do with age and lots to do with my generation. I was born in the wrong one lol. Not liking the music, the technology, most of the movies…nada. It's crazy. You like dark eh, well I don't even know what I'm doing in dark, just letting it flow I guess. I've even had a few arguments with myself over where this is going.

This story isn't stuffed with dialogue; it's a very strange notion for me actually. I'm usually all about the dialogue but I think its right for the mood of the story.

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><p><strong>Chapter 2- a nights work<strong>

She and Brody...they were complicated. They weren't exactly seeing one another-not anymore anyway, but whatever they were doing it started approximately three years was harmless, just him, her and his daughter Sydney. Sydney was a teenager at this point, and had questions only another woman should be answering. Honestly those questions should have been answered in school but Brody never could bring himself to sign the permission forms. Sydney's friends were terrible help, if Maria didn't know better and she didn't, she would have thought the so-called friends were trying to sabotage Sydney. Brody only trusted a task like this to Maria since the two ladies had met before.

Maria found comfort in the small family, and they found some in her. It wasn't hard at all, they were friendly, they were funny, and solidly reliable. Maria actually had to learn to trust them, she never knew that she wasn't trusting them until Sydney pointed it out-the girl was damn smart. Every time she felt insecure about being left out, or ill placed they were always there showing her how silly her insecurities were. They were so effortless in their inclusion of her she was almost angry at herself for not leaving Michael that one Christmas when they were still in high school and running off with Brody, almost. Naturally she and Brody became more than friends but with the thought of Michael they didn't become lovers for a long while, and when they did it had almost been regrettable. They were intoxicated but not enough to blame alcohol for anything. It was hardly beautiful, it was more conservative than she was used to but it was the boundary Maria needed to cross to move on with things.

They never acted as if they were romantically involved, especially when Sydney was around. Sydney o f course had no issue with it, she had been trying to set her dad up for years but Brody simply couldn't stop being a serious somewhat uptight father. It became personal to Maria in no time, and she found out she was a match for a bone marrow transplant. The issue was Sydney though, it wasn't hard to find a donor it was hard to catch her when she was healthy enough for the procedure, she had to be deemed healthy for a certain period of time before they would allow any procedure to take place.

For a while, a long while things were as good as can be. She was a lover, for lack of a better word, a mother, Sydney's words not her own, especially when she found out about the secret relationship Sydney was in, and friend. It was the one relationship that felt the most fulfilling. She took Sydney trick or treating, she helped her with projects, they cooked together for Brody when he had work, she scolded the girl as well as helped her sneak thinks past Brody. He was only trying to protect her but damn he could be so restrictive. The girl couldn't wear a lick of makeup, and he only ever bought her sports bras-trying to keep her unnoticed no doubt. They celebrated birthdays and holidays. With them she was never alone, even when she was literally alone. They were always in her thoughts, the memories they shared keeping her company always.

The world was beginning to make sense, to leave Maria wanting for less than she'd ever wanted before and then Sydney had died...without a warning leaving a painful gash in their lives. It had nothing to do with cancer, it was a car accident. A drunk driver crashed into her school bus, six other kids died that day as well. It was horrible, she had one month to go before she could have the procedure-the closest she had ever been before. She never really rode the bus those days, but her car had a cracked windshield that wouldn't pass inspection.

From that moment Brody was a changed man, more anti-social than usual, depressed, angry, living in pain. Maria had to take care of a lot of the red tape for Brody, cancelling her procedure slot, getting the death certificate, planning the funeral, sending in pictures to her school for the dedication they were doing, etc. For a while it seemed like he was getting better thanks to the relationship with the other families that also lost a child but one by one they moved either from the hurt, the memories, the looks they got from others. Brody stayed, his support system was gone and he broke all over again. This time he had descended slowly but nothing she did helped. He was full of hatred, for everything, everybody and more. Why did the aliens heal him all those years ago? Maria felt guilt for knowing the answer but never being able to tell him. He even hated Maria for giving him hope about the procedure they were waiting on, he hated all holidays, parks and schools. Maria's happiness was gone with Sydney and she wouldn't leave Brody to his own devices, she owed it to him and he had no one else-neither did she.

Then the scariest thing happened, one day out of nowhere Brody was fine. He smiled he joked and even became more social. When it happened Maria couldn't enjoy it, it was too sudden and she was afraid of what it all meant, was it the final try at normalcy before he did something drastic, she had no idea. She watched him like a hawk all that day fearing that the moment she turned away he would be gone as well. Could he be so selfish, so extreme? At one point she knew the answer but now she had to learn his personality all over again. Once home he was depressed again, it was so instantaneous she wondered if he was still Brody and not Larek, Maria tried to help him but it only made things worse.

/flashback/

_Brody slumped on the couch before Maria had even managed to close the door behind them. They came from a work party that his supplier made mandatory only to him-the man was trying to help. When she saw him she frowned, his mood swing was something new and she'd barely gotten used to dealing with his other personality changes, now this._

_"Was that all an act?" she asked sitting on the coffee table before him._

_He looked at her angrily, his beady brown eye raging at her," Yes, yes it was but everybody bought it except for you."_

_She smiled weakly taking it as a compliment although she knew it wasn't meant as one," Of course Brody I'm your friend."_

_"Why can't you go along with it to?" he asked honestly. " If you pretend to believe me to, then maybe I'll be convinced somehow."_

_She frowned, it was the most vulnerable she had seen in him weeks and the moments tended to be only when he broke down in tears. This vulnerability was different, it was beyond what tears could help," Do you know what happens when you pretend? You wake up one day and it's worse than before." she was speaking from her experience with Michael. Waking up on the days he had left her bedside she always thought he'd pop out from around the corner, when it didn't happen she was certain it would happen with the next corner and day, then next, then the next. She even managed to trick herself into thinking it was a surprise for her, she'd keep the hope for days before she gave up. When she gave up it was so much worse somehow._

_"How would you know!" he growled at her, his hands that had been clasped together breaking apart and flying about angrily. "You're young, you have no family of your own, you live the free life, you're even a bit famous!"_

_"I know," she snapped back trying not to yell at him. His words had hurt, he and Sydney had been her family, she knew it wasn't the same thing but she wished he would have acknowledged her involvement with him. "I know because every time I get hope of happiness it leaves without a word and I can't deny this feeling when it's here-"_

_"This is about Michael?" he emphasized his name with a laugh, some jealousy seeping through. Yes, she was talking about Michael but he had nothing to do with this situation and he knew that, "Oh boy-he hasn't changed from day one. You cannot find happiness because you're looking in the wrong place!" All that was beside the point, how did he steer the situation so smoothly?_

_"I found it in you for a while," she replied in a bit of a whisper but he heard. In a way she was thankful, he'd gotten her mind off Michael with happiness and then again in sadness. It was the greatest pain she ever felt but still she somehow felt that pain involving Michael would always seem to hurt more in the end. It was twisted but she welcomed this pain from Sydney's death, it was the fact of Sydney's death she didn't welcome._

_The conversation, the argument brought a strange sense of relief to them, they hadn't spoken this much in a very long time. They spent most of their days together but speaking was almost nonexistent at times. It was painfully therapeutic, it was against both of their moral standards to feel so good from something so bad but they needed it. Is this what it was like every time someone died? She hoped not._

_The arguing_

_They couldn't tell if the relief came from the actual arguing or the effects on each other that the arguing had, the application of verbal abuse to strike where pain seemed to live nowadays-their minds._

_He stood and approached her, she wasn't sure if he was going to comfort her or what but he stopped before her, his tall lanky body standing firm. "Why?" he asked his voice suddenly soft. It confused her emotions, it was a loving tone but a pained emotion stretched out to her from this single word and made her feel raw inside, "You make it harder for me sometimes."_

_"I lost someone to, I loved her to. I loved you," they both noticed her use of love in the past tense. She still loved him but not in that way anymore, he didn't lover her in that way anymore either but they rarely pointed it out. It was just another thing that brought pain. " I'm just trying to help but you won't let me."_

_The conversation was short, the longest real one they had but still they'd only said a few things to one another. Yet already emotions were high, Maria was in tears already. She wasn't crying about the situation at hand, it was everything. She had kept it all in for his sake, for her own and she couldn't talk to her friends about it. She told them that it was officially over between her and Brody just so she didn't have to answer any more questions concerning him._

_"Then stop, STOP!" he yelled at her in her face, closer than he'd ever gotten, his eardrums tingling at the harsh vibration of his own tone. Her tears reflected his own pain, his own suffering, and he actually felt guilty somehow for ever letting Maria in but at the same time he was glad he could share the pain with someone even if he wasn't really using it as a way to bond. As much as he pushed her away he was glad she always came back or rebelled against him._

_"How can I just stop!" she yelled tears streaming down her face, he'd never gotten so in her face before, her neck tensed and she thought he'd actually head butt her by accident. He was so mad, he hadn't shown such a great emotion of any kind since Sydney and it scared her. She could see some unknown emotion coming to the surface and it scared her. Where was it coming from, it had been a relatively decent day, why suddenly did he just let his emotions transform him into something she was sure she could recognize. "I know you hurt, how can I stop when I don't want you to hurt!" _

_*SLAP* _

_There was a stinging and a burning along the side of her face, she was frozen unsure of what just happened, almost unwilling to acknowledge it. She hadn't even seen him draw his hand back,"Will that make you stop!" he hissed at her, his voice cracking with regret he tried to force down._

_She turned to face him, furious, hurt, her adrenaline pumping through her veins, her body unable to decide if it should fight back. It hurt but it wasn't going to leave a bruise for someone else to witness. This was a first. She clenched her jaw and stared at him. His hands were shaking, in fact his entire body was shaking. It was a physical, noticeable regret. His breathing was erratic, his eyes wide. He was sorry for hitting her but he wanted her to leave him alone. Then suddenly a look of shame overcame him, he was in a place where he couldn't reason with himself or his actions but just do what had to be done. She saw it in his eyes then, he wanted to hit her again. As much as he hated to admit it, hitting her caused him relief. He wasn't prepared for relief and he was even less prepared that he got it from hitting not only a woman but the woman Sydney had looked up to as a surrogate mom, the woman he had felt affection for briefly. His body wanted more release but his mind struggled._

_"That won't chase me off!" she encouraged him to hit her again and strangely she wanted to be hit again. She put a finger in his face on his forehead as a way of instant instigation. He was hesitant at first, contradicting emotions passing through him fighting for dominance but she knew what to say to make him snap at her and lead him where she knew he needed to go, where they both wanted to go. _

_"Sydney...," the name came out as a sort of howl, neither one of then had spoken the name aloud for a while and forcing it out was painful, her mind wasn't prepared for the fight her body put up-resisting the name as it left her tongue. Her throat tightened, a wave of sickness overcame her but she kept on,"...would hate to see this." She knew it would send him over the edge because just thinking those words hurt, saying them out loud was emotional torture but it worked. He balled his fists and took in a slow but deep breath. It was a long moment before he did anything and for a moment she thought it backfired but then she realized time had just slowed for her, she crossed a boundary and there was no going back-not that she wanted to. She let him hit her again, he wasn't terribly strong, at all. Then again he wasn't a very phsyical man, and at one point Maria found it cute. When he couldn't open a jar of pickles he came to her and if she couldn't open it then they were screwed. ~if it makes you feel better then continue~ she thought to herself. She had tried everything up until this point, therapy, patience, intervention, acting like nothing was wrong, getting personal with him in hopes he'd return the favor but nothing worked. Nothing except hitting her, the relief she saw in his eyes made it worth it, he was finding peace somehow through this violent action and stranger than that-so was she._

/End of flashback/

Since that night it had become a regular occurrence. It's true still that his hits do nothing seriously damaging to her, it's when he has a weapon that she has reason to actually fear. She was hurt by his hurt and her physical suffering seemed like nothing in comparison to either of their emotional suffering. Lately though he found relief elsewhere...in working out and in doing so he was getting stronger-she was at the point of fighting him back now, had been for months. They did this all the time, it was routine. She had even suspected he was no longer 'needing' it like he was before but simply liked it, it didn't matter to her though because other than performing and dancing it was her only stress relief to and nothing settled her emotions like a violent release.

He wasn't bad, he was always sorry and even she belted out apologies here an there when she left bruises on him. When they didn't fight he was tending to her like he used to do when they were dating, it was uncomfortable to her. It almost felt like being paid for sex but to him it was the closest way he could justify what he, what they were doing. He would stop when the mourning stopped, of this she was sure.

"Wonderful" Brody smiled at her answering her question about how his day had been. He knew she hated it when he gave her monosyllabic answers.

"And?" she urged, he knew better than that.

"Are you staying over tonight?"

She knew where it was leading but for his sake she always played along as if she had no idea. "It's Wednesday so yeah-why?" Wednesday had no significance, it was just something to say.

"I just forgot what day it was." of course he played into it," I cooked baked chicken, and I finally remembered to pull out your favorite section of the newspaper." the awkward hiccup between them was gone as suddenly as it came.

"I only had to tell you everyday for months." she laughed, remembering her own amazement at how he couldn't seem to remember such a minor thing.

"I even put batteries in the remote." He stuck his chest out proudly.

She gasped playfully shocked. "Finally, Now I can skip the damn commercials."

They talked about trivial things as they drove to his place. Things would have seemed normal to anyone. Pulling up to his driveway, his home always seemed dark now. Before his yard was kept up with, his edging done, his bushes trimmed, his grass green but now half his grass was wild, some of it dead and yellow, pouring onto the sidewalk. The screen door wasn't as clean as it used to be and he no longer used a porch lamp. Such neglect only hinted at his state of depression.

He opened the door quickly, enough to cause her to jump. She knew what was happening, he was trying to beat her to the car door before she opened it herself so he could do it. It was one of their more innocent habits. She felt the urgency, she wanted to beat him this time. Pushing her door open she slipped out as he rounded the hood of the car, and by the time he was close enough to reach the handle she was moving to close the door, having already stepped out in record time. She didn't close it though, and he noticed. He moved in on her, pressing her against the car door with his body he settled for assisting her in closing the door. He panted lightly, not really tired but trying to calm himself. Maria squealed in surprise at his movements as he pushed himself into her and successfully closing the car door, she looked up at him. They smiled at one another enjoying the brief freedom from the shadows of their hearts. Brody stepped back and lead the way to his home.

Once inside Maria sniffed the air, smelling the food he had already prepared. Her stomach growled in anticipation and she hurried to the table happy to see he waited for her to eat as well, she hated eating alone. They ate, genuinely laughed about their day. His laughter was more frequent these days and she couldn't help but grow concerned, it meant something but she just had no idea what. They continued to discuss the weather and were currently sitting on the couch. He held her around the shoulders and she had her arms wrapped around his torso. He was thin, she dared to think he was smaller than her at the waist but she would never find out. Brody never was able to gain weight no matter what he did and was sometimes self conscious about his physical size, especially since most high school boys were double his size in weight, although he had them all in the height department.

The popcorn always managed to be gone before the title of any movie came on. They never really paid attention to the movie, they just needed an excuse to hold each other without being romantic and pretend it wasn't a big deal. It was though, for Brody anyway. He was never touchy feely with anyone other than his daughter, even when they were dating he managed to be reserved, always afraid Sydney would think that's how guys were supposed to treat her, he was never able to handle the topic of her dating life. Moments like this kept him grounded. They both needed to _feel _normal even if they weren't. When the movie was over they cleaned up and suddenly he tossed a towel at her playfully when she put the last dish in the dishwasher.

It always started as a game.

The game, it was her opportunity to walk away if she wasn't up for 'it' but she never used it. She tossed the towel back and he caught it, his eyes became a bit dark and he smiled at her, she had accepted and he was thankful. He walked up to her and pushed her up against the wall and she smiled at him. Her smile wasn't real, it wasn't warm but then again they weren't being serious. He kissed her, it was partially passionate and partially angered. She kissed him back, they wasted no time offering entrance into their mouths greeting each others tongues. Sensuality wasn't part of this kiss. His hands roamed quickly over her body never lingering enough for comfort or pain. His hands entered her pants without warning or preparation, she spread her legs for him. She bit back a moan, it wouldn't have been a pleasing moan it was a pleading one, begging for their play to turn real and offer something deeply healing. He didn't like it when she made noises anymore. It reminded him of when they used to have to only be intimate when Sydney was at school and they were as loud as could be. Sure, it was over dramatic but it was fun. Now he just liked silence. He grabbed her womanhood roughly, it didn't hurt but it wasn't a romantic touch and would never cause arousal. Her body didn't even react to the sensation anymore. He released her and began to unzip his pants and she gripped his hand-stopping him, it was still part of the game. She didn't even have to think about it, they'd done it a thousand times never adopting a new script. This corrupted role play did nothing but give them an excuse to treat each other wrongly.

This was it.

He pushed her roughly as if to force her to submission, he never meant it but he knew it got the reaction he wanted every time, it was automatic for her, possibly automatic for every woman. She pushed him back roughly and he grabbed her wrist yanking her off her feet causing her to fall when he let go. He climbed over her and she began to kick. They were fighting, really fighting intending to cause harm, pain and release frustrations. She was afraid even though she knew she shouldn't be. But it was her mind that felt release while her body felt pain it was never meant to enjoy or endure.

He grabbed her arm painfully and squeezed, her kicking stopped as she reached for his grip on her. He could feel the pulse of her blood squeezing through his vice grip. The pulse was strong and fast and she felt her arm gaining the strangest tingling feeling as it began to go numb. She tripped his elbow with her hand feeling the tensed muscles under his skin, she pressed her tumb into the bend of his elbow and to his surprise his grip suddenly weakened. It was a trick Sean had shown her. She stood and tried to run past him but her move had not hurt him, only weakened him momentarily so she could free herself. He pushed into her making her walk backwards until she hit a wall, his forearm was over her chest. She had both hands gripped on his forearm but it was no use, he had the upper hand. The better stance, his weight leaning forward letting gravity help him and she was no only unbalance but trapped, her arms so unnaturally close to her sides as she tried to push but she couldn't gain strenth in her position.

Finally she purposefully let her knees being and she dropped out of his old so fast he stumbled foreward. She ran and he wasn't far behind. Turning a corner she waited for him to rush around and when he did she tripped him, he flew forward and collided with the wall. They kicked, they punched, he chased her and she ran around furniture to avoid him. The only thing off limits was throwing things. They could keep this up for a long time, the chasing bit was the least harmful part of their odd dance. They fought roughly knocking over furniture and decorations around the house before he had her pinned in some room on the hard floor. They were panting tiredly, exhausted, sweating lightly, clothes and hair a mess. They were unsure if they'd inflicted any damage onto the other person, they would find out in the morning. He rolled over, a thump onto the floor next to her and they slept, not even sure which room they were really in at this point but it felt like what used to be the holiday room, where the Christmas tree went, where the birthday gifts always were. It was dark but they were so used to this that they knew the layout of the house, where to go, how to get there, how long it would take. They were pros.

She woke up first the next morning. She looked at him sleeping soundly. It had been a long time since he had a nightmare and she smiled, that had truly been the scariest part of it all. He'd wake up sweating, screaming, crying, and let it be known how tortured his soul had become. She never knew what to do, all she did for the first few times was run and hide but then she held him like the baby he had become just for those few moments. Standing she felt everything inflicted upon her last night, aches and pains she would regret all day. She walked into the bathroom and inspected her face. No new cuts or bruises but one that had begun to heal had reopened in their activity. It was freshly open so she couldn't put makeup on it just yet, she'd settle for a band-aid. She'd gotten a hold of some really cute ones from Liz, ones they gave children and since many of her acts at the club were an adult spin on what was otherwise considered innocent it wouldn't hinder her from her work, Sean would be happy about that. But it wasn't as if she had any work today, well none that involved being seen. She had a small segment at the local radio station where she did nothing but debate over the skills and talents of other music artists to callers. But that wasn't until later in the day and only for a few hours.

"You okay?" Brody asked as he walked into the bathroom, he looked at her in that way-that apologetic but thank you way, she gave him the same look.

"I'd have kicked you in your sleep if I wasn't" she laughed, it was true "You?"

He shrugged looking at himself. "See anything?" he turned and let her examine him in only his sweats.

"Small bruise on your back...looks like something." she squinted her eyes, it looked like she'd seen the bruise before.

"What?" he asked.

She laughed," You must have fallen on the remote, it's in the same shape, I even see the number two." She ran a finger along the skin," Maybe you should get a normal remote, y'know hard plastic and rubber letters and not metal?"

"We break those to easily." he said casually.

He laughed with her at the comment and she moved over so they could both brush their teeth and get ready for the day. It used to be strange, the way the easily fell into a regular routine after what they did to one another. It was as if sleeping erased their sins, and memory. Neither were complaining.


End file.
